There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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