"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
