Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize