Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
