Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Two words: blizzard sex
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
