i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
