I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
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