this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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