just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
