you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
