They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
