my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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