Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My liver just had a heart attack.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
