Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
