I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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