You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
