hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
