She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So much rum. So many feels.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
