I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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