today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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