Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
