Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
