she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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