from now on my penis is your penis
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
