I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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