So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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