apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
