I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
stop calling my apartment porn island.
the day after is always just damage control
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
