you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
