I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
