I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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