just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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