it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
