my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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