first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
i think i just lost a toe
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
