Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
