You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Who died my cat blue again?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
