i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Just pee around me
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
