I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
