all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
