Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
