I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
