i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize