Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
