I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize