I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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