Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
