Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
