Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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