Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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