Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
