I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
