and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
