I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
