You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
