I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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