he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
